3/01/2006

Jennifer Aniston is a BITCH!


Nope, not America's sweetheart, she's a fraud and slowly by slowly
the truth is coming out...

Gawker rules! here's the story at Gawker complete with a
letter hillariously translated by the Gawker team... brilliant!

First:
Finally, an explanation as to why Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston: She was an underminer (“the best friend who casually destroys your life,” as per the book of the same name). As her former roommate Nancy Balbirer reveals, Aniston advised her to be “more fuckable” and buy chicken cutlets to stuff her bra. In Aniston’s defense, only a true friend would tell you to be a better whore. here: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/395025p-334922c.html

Then a follow up:

Daily News gossipista Lloyd Grove had the most delightful column yesterday, in which he detailed a reading last week for Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan’s book, The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. Featured readers were to tell stories of their own personal underminers; writer/actress Nancy Balbirer talked of a former roommate named “Jane,” a fellow then-struggling actress who advised Balbirer to be more “fuckable,” stuff chicken cutlets in her bra, and appear “less desperate.”

Jane’s identity was never revealed, but certain characteristics most certainly were: Jane attended the High School for the Performing Arts, was the daughter of a soap actor and a “plastic surgery victim,” had a big nose from her “Greek half,” and later, after a nose job and some hardcore weight loss, became a famous sitcom actress on a show about a group of friends living in the Village. (Wait, is Jane really David Schwimmer?!) When Balbirer was later cast in a recurring role on Jane’s sitcom, she was promptly fired two hours later. She received pay, but never an explanation. Later, a producer informed her that Jane had her immediately axed. (OK, David Schwimmer would never do that.)

While Balbirer never revealed Jane’s true identity, Grove has a modicum of pop culture awareness and identified Jane as a “thinly veiled Jennifer Aniston.” Rocket science, right?
Nevertheless, Balbirer is pissed at Grove’s “false” revelations, and she’s sent a nice letter to the editors of the Daily News demanding a correction. She kindly sent us a copy, as well, which we’ve reprinted after the jump, complete with our handy translation services.
————————————-
Dear Editors: I am writing to clarify some inaccuracies in the article that ran in today’s Daily News, titled “A ‘Friend’ in Need, But Not in Deed?”- By Lloyd Grove. This article makes the following false statements: “Nancy Balbirer (below) helped Jennifer Aniston (above) get a foothold in New York before the days of ‘Friends’ fame. The reward for her trouble? Snubs from the new superstar and a rejection from the show, Balbirer claims…”
These statements are inaccurate. The story I read at Joe’s Pub on Feb. 23rd made
no “claims” about Jennifer Aniston at any time. Furthermore, the Daily News
article misleadingly puts in quotation marks the “Lowdown spy’s” summary, which
completely misquotes my performance piece.

Translation: “I never once said the name ‘Jennifer Aniston.’ Jane does not automatically mean Jen, even if it totally did in this one instance.”

I read an original unpublished story at Joe’s Pub about a friend named Jane. It was a
story about hurt and betrayal by someone I thought was my friend. I never said Jane
was anyone else. In this piece, I explore the bewildering compromises people make in
the pursuit of fame. What happened to me was sad, not hilarious.

Translation: “Jennifer Aniston hurt my feelings, and you turned it into gossip. Now you’ve made me cry. Not as hard as Jennifer Aniston made me cry, but still.”

“Huvane vehemently denied Balbirer’s claims of plastic surgery….” At no time during
my performance at Joe’s Pub on February, 23rd 2006, did I claim Jennifer Aniston
had plastic surgery. I insist that you publish a correction of these inaccuracies.

Translation: “I never said Jennifer Aniston got her nose trimmed. I said “Jane” did, who is absolutely Jennifer Aniston, but I never said that. By going to Aniston’s publicist Stephen Huvane with these misquotes, you’ve assured that Huvane will never represent me should I ever become more famous.”

I am an artist. My work is not crass or gossipy. As a writer
and performer, I use the backdrop of my life experiences to
examine larger issues. It’s not about airing anybody’s dirty
laundry, except, perhaps my own.

Translation: “I am an artiste, which is more than I can say about anyone from the cast of Friends.”

Some of those in attendance at Joe’s Pub that evening are well known personalities,
who are available for comment (see below**).

Translation: “Cintra Wilson was there, and she’s got my back.”

The article also falsely states that I “ratted out” Ms. Aniston. Again, I made no claims about Jennifer Aniston. I will not dignify some of the things that have already been written. However, given what has been printed, I need to clarify that neither the piece I read at Joe’s Pub nor the book I’m working on “Take Your Shirt Off and Cry,” is connected in any way to Mike Albo’s “The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life,” or any other projects associated therewith.

Translation: “I ‘ratted out’ Jane, who is Jennifer Aniston. Did I mention I have a book coming out?”

I’d also like to add that the article failed to mention that the event on Feb. 23rd at Joe’s Pub was a benefit for 826NYC, a non-profit organization that teaches inner city children creative writing skills. Nancy Balbirer
Translation: “Even if I did reveal that Jennifer Aniston is a crazy bitch, I did it for charity.”

http://www.gawker.com/

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